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Hi everyone, I was reading some of my old essays. They are quite interesting and of a much higher calibre than my most recent, I appear to have lost something in myself that motivated me to produce good work. While yes there are many typos and errors in my older stuff, the have a depth to them I can’t seem to get back. A lot of what I lost was anger I think, anger at life.

I fell in the last few months iv split into two and I recognise I don’t believe a lot of what I used to write when I was still on face book I lost of I do. Most particular the biggest change is that of my atheism, as a result I’m not aligned with myself. I don’t really know what to make of my new thoughts, I’m not sure what I believe anymore. So that seem to be why my writing has become so lax and somewhat lazy. I’m usure of myself I’m also not sure where my life is going.

I find this uncertainty scary; I find myself anxious about my future. I can say iv wasted my life so far. My psychosis seems to have brought into view my failings many of my failing and split me into as it were. I now have the part of me that talk and the part of that judges neutrally what I’m saying and how I behave. I find I don’t behave in alignment with my apparent ideals. I short I let myself down.

The hard past now is to bring myself into alignment and find out what I actually believe, to explore my thoughts and felling about things and hopefully behave in a manner that indicates I believe in something. To act as though God exists. I used to believe like Nietzsche man could create their own values, I’m not sure I believe that anymore. One thing I do believe though is that morals are relative, its one of the few thoughts I still have that is clear and in alignment not just with myself but with what we see. We see that across culture and across time moralities changes, though I can’t say I’m moral relativist I can’t say that I’m a moral absolutist ether.

For now, I can’t say what I am or what I truly believe, I can say thought it will be fun for me to find out. However, that doesn’t help with the uncertainty of my future, I don’t know where I will end up. As I left school at sixteen and have winged it for all my life so far, I have no qualifications to speak of, now at thirsty five I’m lost. I have no prospects and feal I have no future. I plan to go and study something I just don’t know want and with no money I don’t know how. I most likely end up with a dead-end job, staking shelves in a supermarket or some such thing. The most experience I have is working with dogs, I can only hope for some kind of future in that line of work. but I fear that that’s a pipe dream.

Published by Engine Mortale

Engine Mortale is my chosen pseudonym, I’ve chosen a pseudonym because I think it most appropriate as some of work will be rather personal. I figured this was the best way. I’m an autodidact, my to prominent fields of study’s are behaviour and philosophy, most recently art and poetry have been of keen interest. I hope genuinely that some good comes out of my out of this thing i call a life, if nothing else just that.

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