I wanted to share with you all one my lasted diary entries.

 Who am I?

This question plagues my waking days of late, I simply don’t know who I am. I don’t know what my values are where they are. I looked under the couch but couldn’t find them, lol. However, it is a serous question. Sorry Diary iv not been writing you much of late, ill try to keep to do better. The good news is I’m on my way to moving out, back into my own place (well a new place) its not as nice as my first flat, it’s a council flat so I get more freedom in it. The views not much but it’s something.

Iv really been struggling with the way the government is moving I don’t see an end to restrictions on our liberties, the socially tyrannical aspect of it won’t go away and the government seems perfectly happy with it all.  We’ve got vaccine passports now in Scotland so on top of the social tyranny we have political tyranny and really who is surprised the two go hand in hand, I really am struggling with it all. Struggling to keep myself together. My cousin popped along to my mum’s house and asked me if I had been vaccinated yet, the cheek. First off that none of his business. I answered him no I had not, and sighted its purely a matter of personal liberty, I should not be forced to take anything. He went as far to say that if our Gran was still alive that he wouldn’t let me visit her. The absolute cheek, he didn’t seem to understand that vaccination or not if you don’t have it then you can’t pass it on. Even with a vaccination it can be passed on, a vaccination doesn’t help that so the argument could be based on his logic that no would have visited Gran may she rest in peace.

Hers the deal the virous isn’t going to go anywhere were stuck with it, the threat will always be out there. Too it is ludicrous to think you can vaccinate everyone. That idea was a pipe dream from its inception, nor is it necessary to vaccinate everyone.  If vaccinations work as I actually know they do then unvaccinated people shouldn’t be a problem for anyone, its our lives its our choice to take the risk. It truly is as simple as a question of liberty, nothing more. I am not an anti vaccer as they called, I’m simply locked into this course of action as it’s the only way I have to protest the totalitarian state and society. All people like me are after is freedom, as the old saying goes give me liberty or give me death, its really is a no branner for me as it is medical fascism, I am rejecting the plea to conform. Its under no other pretext that I refuse the vaccination. If it was a free choice then it wouldn’t be mandated, there would be vaccination passports, there would be people trying to stop you visiting your granny, there wouldn’t be mandated vaccinations to work. Its that cut and dry.

On a more personal note, dear Diary I’m beginning to get an idea of what my values are. A better idea of who I am now. (tanks Diary) This battel I have been having with myself truly is like the perishing of leaves, truly is like the will to power. Not power of others rather power of the self. We all have this battel to fight between the ID, Ego and Superego, some appear to better equipped than I to fight this battel. it is only in the last seven months iv begun winning, it feels good however I now carry a lot of guilt and shame, the price one has to pay to look oneself in the mirror. I reminded of poem.

The Man in the Glass

When you get what you want in your struggle for self
and the world makes you king for a day
Just go to the mirror and look at yourself
and see what that man has to say

For it isn’t your father or mother or wife
who judgment upon you must pass
The fellow whose verdict counts the most in your life
is the one staring back from the glass

Some people may think you a straight-shooting chum
and call you a wonderful guy
But the guy in the glass says you’re only a bum
if you can’t look him straight in the eye

He’s the fellow to please never mind all the rest
for he’s with you clear up to the end
And you’ve passed your most dangerous difficult test
if the man in the glass is your friend

You may fool the whole world down the pathway
of life and get pats on the back as pass
But your final reward will be heartaches and
tears if you’ve cheated the man in the glass.

For years upon years I cheated the man in the glass, this put me in a mental hospital, that and the pressures of lockdown. The most important thing about a journey to self-betterment is honesty, it is by far the most important aspect of any journey into the deep dirges of the soul. If your not host with yourself about who you are or at least were then you’re wasting your time on the journey in first place, you may as well just go back to hiding form yourself and pay the price for it.

Published by Engine Mortale

Engine Mortale is my chosen pseudonym, I’ve chosen a pseudonym because I think it most appropriate as some of work will be rather personal. I figured this was the best way. I’m an autodidact, my to prominent fields of study’s are behaviour and philosophy, most recently art and poetry have been of keen interest. I hope genuinely that some good comes out of my out of this thing i call a life, if nothing else just that.

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