053

Getting my life back together

It has now been seven month since psychosis, I cost me a lot and was brought about with a combination of guilt and the stress of lockdown. I was essentially stuck with my thoughts and took the whole totalitarian measures verry hard. I watched as governments round the world strip away our rights and replaced them with permissions. I watched as collectivist ideology took center stag and government made sure that maximum number of people were affected by the pandemic. However, in this dystopian mess I am forced to build a life. I am hurled into imperfect universe and expected to car out an existence. (as some famous philosopher once said, Martin Heidegger I believe.)

However slowly but surely, I have begun the long process of rebuilding what semblance of a pathetic life I had. If you could call it a life. Most of my existence has been as a nerve a merely a nerve and not much more than that, I was a raw animal; prisoner to instincts pushed and pulled around by forces outside me. I was not a free man but that what trauma in childhood does, I was in survival mode all my life. It in a sense is good I am longer like that, I feel like a changed man. Yet I find it harder and harder to live with myself, I don’t know if I can trust myself. I am scared of going back to work. I am sacred of the social pressures and current politics. I don’t know if I could survive in a work place, iv never been able to before! I don’t know how ill manage it now.

It is now that I find myself moving into my own flat again, for the second time in myself. living with mother and brother hasn’t been easy. I pray for the courage and nerve not to mess it all up again. It’s a big step in regaining my independence from my family at least. I know that the freedom I could once have enjoyed no longer exists, we do not live in a free society in my country. I missed my opportunity to live freely I sabotaged myself to much, I did things I am now ashamed of. How I am I supposed to live now? Why do I get tant luxury as diminished as it all now is thank to government and social tyranny? Who even am I know? Do I even have the strength to keep growing and changing? Why should I even try when life is so diminished?

I find myself for the time being on state benefits, I hadn’t received any benefits since I was in my late teens and early twenties. I always shunned them after that, I didn’t wont any part of it. I tried to live with as little as possible, even when times were tuff, even when I lost my first flat I shunned them. I lost my flat due to losing my job not able to cope with the social tyranny that was manifesting even then, I saw it all coming a mile off. I tried yelling at the world when I was a nerve yet there was nothing I could do about any of it. Then my gran started to pass away then she did, it was shortly after this I lost my job. Days after, this started a very big downward trend in my life. I went back to working for myself after that, I never (still haven’t) fully come to terms with my grans death. (we were verry close). I am sure even this played a part of my long building psychotic brake. It was this brake that found me state benefits as iv been unable to work, I don’t wont to work for myself again the stress is to much, though perhaps its less than the stress of dealing with people and coworkers. I much preferred just working with the dogs. Who knows what ill end up doing, only time will tell. Needless to say, I will be off benefits as soon as I can because I don’t agree with it, I don’t agree with money. (I too don’t wont to be a leach.)

  I to be fare have never actually been against state benefits for people, I just feel iv never really agreed with money. Money has been the bane of my life, I don’t like It in fact I hate it. I am still of the mind that we could exist better without money, no not a barter system. (I have written other post detailing this.) Yet here I am forced to live in world governed by it, a world full of poverty and oppression. Folks say I should be grateful, I am to an extent I am grateful for all the hard work people before me have put in. I am grateful for antibiotics and advances in technology. Which some might say is contradictory how can I be grateful for things that were produced under what I see as tyranny, by definition something bad. I don’t think that it is, I think I can be grateful in a sense in aw of people that managed to not just survive and thrive under this oppression of money. People that contributed to the betterment of humanity ether directly or indirectly, though hard work and innovation. Today, I find I am grateful more than ever that people go out to work and work hard wrestling daily with the realities of this world better than I ever could. I feel guilt almost that I haven’t worked harder, fell that even though my lot was a bad hand I could have done more. However bad my lot is people have done more with less and I should be ashamed of myself not just my behavior but the lack of understanding this world. (I still don’t understand it.)

However, back to me for a second. It is I find I have a chance to better myself after this clash with psychosis and it begins with getting out of mother’s hose and beginning to do my best struggling with the reality of daily life. Ill take my inspiration from others, yet I will never be comfortable knowing that there was nothing I could to about todays autocratic world. Yes that wright I have given up fighting, partly because I am no longer just a never. However also because I need to start living life, even if it is a life under oppression, even if it is a life were I no longer have any rights as a human being in western nation. My rights replaced with permissions, where I am free only to toe the line and become a slave, I don’t how ill manage it! Where once it was just the oppression of money this inanimate thing that people felt was necessary, it is now a social tyranny that I am faced with as well as tyranny form the government.

To help along the way in my new life I even plucked up the courage to apologies to an old friend, an old friend that I wronged as nerve. I felt bad I never took his depression seriously, I know better now. I know his actions that I perceived as a grate evil done to me were more motived by his depression than anything else. He was a really good friend for several years I just flung it all back in his face, I used to go down to his house every day for hours a day, I miss that old friendship more than I previously knew. I haven’t plucked up the courage yet to meet up with him, I am sure I will soon I hope.

Why am I writing this I hear you ask? I have no idea I just feel compelled to. As always these are my thoughts and feelings. In short I don’t know how I am going live with myself being now conscious of myself, too I don’t how I am going to live being conscious of the fact that the by country is no longer a free society. The task of living a good life just now seems insurmountable.

Published by Engine Mortale

Engine Mortale is my chosen pseudonym, I’ve chosen a pseudonym because I think it most appropriate as some of work will be rather personal. I figured this was the best way. I’m an autodidact, my to prominent fields of study’s are behaviour and philosophy, most recently art and poetry have been of keen interest. I hope genuinely that some good comes out of my out of this thing i call a life, if nothing else just that.

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